Bride of the Pastmaster
Cast * Jake Clawson/Razor - Barry Gordon * Chance Furlong/T-Bone - Charles Adler * Commander Ulysses Feral (as a dream) - Gary Owens * Mayor Manx (as a dream) Jim Cummings * Callie Briggs - Tress MacNeille * Lieutenant Tobias Furlong (as a dream) - (not speaking in this episode) * Fido Furlong (as a dream) - (not speaking in this episode) Guest Cast (in order of appearance): * KatCo Captain – Michael Rye * KatCo Crewman #1 – Peter Mark Richman * KatCo Crewman #2 – Michael Rye * The Pastmaster – Keene Curtis * Tabor – Michael Rye Supporting Cast (in order of appearance): * City Guard #1 – Michael Rye * City Guard #2 – Charles Adler * Queen Callista – Tress MacNeille * City Guard #3 – Mark Hamill Transcript Act One Jake: (looks himself in a mirror and wears a tuxedo outfit that he makes a bowtie) Aaah, Nothin' like a terrific fashion valuable way to look better view, Isn't it so romantic, Chance? Chance: (eats cake and cookies, then belches) I shouldn't believe that your point is a reluctant feeling about this, Feral wants me. No kidding. Besides even the Feral was in super extremely in charge of me, I gave him and expectation. Jake: (writes a letter to Briggs) Oooh, Chance, my boy, You always said that at twice. You always wanting Feral. He's only a commander, not your prince charming. Chance: Boy, I love that Feral. I'm gonna (kisses) be in love with him. (plays an accordion and sings) Oh, my handsome Feral who's being brave enough as he thought it will be. My prince Feral who's acting like a huge king and I love him. Jake: (sniffs a rose) Mmm... Yes she is. (sniffs) Aaah, Mon amour, mon ami, Callie. Mmm. Je voudrais profiter d'un rendez-vous. (kiss) Chance: (singing) Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. (howls) (panting) (woofing) (still panting) Jake: (angry) Chance! (Chance pause playing an accordion and singing) Chance: What? Jake: Listen. He's not falling in love with you anymore, and he's not being amazing! This gotta be stop! Chance: Well, I uh.... Jake: Gotta get dress! Chance: Gotta get going! (Jake and Chance are changing to SWAT Kat uniforms) Razor: Looks like the citizens are in trouble in MegaKat City! T-Bone: Well, It seems that gruesome is gonna suck the people out in the pirate ship, and your Pincher Missile will pry the monstrously gruesome! Razor: SWAT Kats! To the jet! T-Bone: Comin' Mr. Bossypants. Captain: Abandon ship! Crewman: We’re doomed! Razor: So that’s why no oil tankers have been able to reach Megakat City. T-Bone: Yeah, long lines at the gas pump, all because of some oil-suckin’ eel. Razor: Well the suck stops here! This should pry him away. Bingo! The Pincher Missile works every time! T-Bone: Every time but today, hotshot! Razor: Incoming! Whew! That was a fine close for a- T-Bone? T-Bone! T-Bone: (coughs) Razor: T-Bone, answer me, T-Bone! Are you hit? T-Bone: No. Furball. Razor: It looks like we've got work to do. T-Bone: Well, now that you’ve got that off your chest, what about the crude dude? Razor: Ugh, T-Bone, What is this that thing?! T-Bone: Monster of the week! Razor: Time to cut him off. Buzz-Saw Missiles, away! I’ve got an idea, but it means going head to head with motormouth. T-Bone: Your Buzz-Saw Barrage are good for the record, then I guess it’s up to me to keep us from becoming a flyin’ pin cushion! I hope.... Razor: Pin cushion?! T-Bone: Say 'Ahhh!' Razor: Matchhead Missile, deployed! That Matchhead should be hitting a stomach full of KatCo crude. Ah-Ha! Bingo! T-Bone: He said it, and the Matchhead is hitting a stomach full of KatCo. crude! Aw, crud. We just had the Turbokat washed! Captain: She’s still afloat! Crewman: Yeah, thanks to the SWAT Kats! Captain: Thanks to Razor and T-Bone! Razor: Anytime! Looks like we’ve ended this single-handed. T-Bone: Yeah, but we’re leaving empty-handed. Thanks to that oil-guzzler, You’ve only got one missile left. buddy? Razor: Yeah. It's a missile with a tiny miracle for me, Razor. T-Bone: Piece of cake! We’ll reload back at the hangar. Razor: And get that scaly souvinier off our wing. T-Bone: Now that’s what I call a sudden storm! Razor: If I didn’t know better, I’d say it was one of the Pastmaster’s time vortices. Then let’s avoid it, shall we? Aw, crud! T-Bone: This is one time I wish I wasn't! Razor: Why do you always have to be right, T-Bone? T-Bone: You didn't bring your stuff and we didn't expected as sooner we get. Razor: This is not perfect always as usual. T-Bone: Speak for yourself! Pastmaster: Listen to my spellbook’s rhymes, come to me from mythic times. For I am the Pastmaster! Megalith City and its queen will soon fall before me! Razor: T-Bone! Go to maximum thrusters! T-Bone: I’m over the red line now! Razor: Well, you better put that red line or He'll be fry us apart! T-Bone: I'm workin' on it, Razor! Gotta pull up! Razor: Not one of your smoothest landings, sure-shot. T-Bone: Hey, we’re in one piece aren’t we? Razor: Basically. With a little work, the Turbokat will fly again. T-Bone: Basically? But fly where? Razor: Looks like there's a good gone an an era! T-Bone: Well, from your sword, I’d say we’ve landed in the Dark Ages. Razor: Yeah. Definitely Dark Ages! Looks like these woods are definitely, but totally crawlin' with these men! T-Bone: How about if the Glovatrixes will even the odds? City Guard: Destroy the sorcerers! Razor: Woah woah woah woah woah woah, Hold it hold it, Are you outta ya minds? 'Cause we're Razor and T-Bone the SWAT Kats! T-Bone: Listen, you Dark Age dimwits, we’re the high-tech edge pilots, because we're not wizards or sorcerers! What an empty-handed! Callista: What magic is this? Razor: Who's that beautiful angel? It's Callie! T-Bone: Callie? Who's Callie? Callista: I am Callista, queen of Megalith City, and you are the enemy! T-Bone: do they called us sorcerers? Razor: See? What did I tell ya? we’re not who you think! T-Bone: But we will explain! Callista: Silence! Finish them off! Act Two Razor: Looks like you're havin' pretty good time so far, Looks like the coast is clear now! Let’s kick some tail! Callista: Destroy them! Strike a blow against the Pastmaster! Razor: Ugh, please, It's the Pastmaster again! T-Bone: Pastmaster?! We’re not workin’ for that little creep! Razor: Yeah, we’re the good guys! T-Bone: And the sorcerers! Tabor: The Dragon Sword! My Queen, could be the one foretold? Callista: The warrior who pulls the sword from the stone shall be the hero who saves us from the Pastmaster. Razor: Looks like you've been eatin' some cakes and cookies for a whole time, ain't ya? T-Bone: Hey, I loosened it up for him! Razor: I told you we were the good guys. T-Bone: Not to mention the sorcerers! Tabor: Now we will find out if the legend is true! Callista: Good luck, my warrior! Razor: I guess we will come in one piece this time, huh, T-Boy? T-Bone: Unfortunately you’re havin’ a best luck. Razor: I wonder why everyone took off in such a hurry… T-Bone: And..... Chaaaaaarge! Pastmaster: The SWAT Kats? What are those pests from the future doing in my past? Alas, disrupting the time stream is so unpredictable. No matter. My cyclops will destroy them! Razor: Looks like I forgot my formal outfit in a garage, and a special perfume, too! T-Bone: Don’t take this hero mumbo-jumbo too seriously, buddy. Pastmaster: Welcome to my Dark Ages, SWAT Kats! It will be your final resting place! Razor and T-Bone: The Pastmaster! Pastmaster: Just keeping an eye on you! You can run, but you cannot hide! Razor: Looks like the Pastmaster is back, Unless an eternity souvenir off our wing is a best way to hide, then we can ride! T-Bone: Why hide when we can ride? Pastmaster: My cyclops will pound you into eternity! Razor: Put the pedal to the metal, T-Bone! We’re already at maximum overdrive! Unless we live dangerously! T-Bone: Bye-bye, big eye! Tabor: It is quiet now, my Queen. Perhaps the monster has been vanquished. Callista: Perhaps. Pastmaster: Queen Callista, how fortunate we should meet again. Callista: Leep your foul creature away from me, Pastmaster! Pastmaster: Your magic is no match for my cyclops, Callista! Have you reconsidered my offer? Callista: Become your bride? Never! Pastmaster: Then I will destroy you and your precious Megalith City! Tabor: My Queen! We’re trapped! Now where’s our legendary hero? Razor: I can't fire ‘till I see the white of his eye! T-Bone: It’s his legs you go after it! Use the Wrapper Missile! Razor: Bingo! T-Bone: That's a one wrapper in his legs! Pastmaster: No! My cyclops! The SWAT Kats may have won this battle, but the past holds countless creatures of evil for me to summon! And one way or another, Queen Callista will be mine! Callista: You are indeed the hero foretold by the legend of the Dragon Sword. Razor: Looks like she's changing into a good side now. Hey, hang on a sec! You're doin’ the drivin’! We’re sort of a team. T-Bone: “Sort of?” Tabor: Uh, do you have names? Both: Tazor and Raybone! Razor: Uh, I mean... Both: Razor and T-Bone! Callista: Then Sir Razor and Sir T-Bone, you must return with us to Megalith City. There we will find some measure of safety from the evil Pastmaster. Razor: We taught that white of his eye a lesson and we took care of the Pastmaster once, your highness. I Old Razor guarantees we can do it again. T-Bone: If we can get the Turbokat back into the air. We should put Airbag Missiles, and Wrapper Missiles, and Pincer Missiles, and don't forget the Banshee Missiles to the Turbokat! Callista: My finest blacksmiths will help you repair your flying machine. Razor: Looks like it's your job, All the modern conveniences can. T-Bone: Blacksmiths? Razor: Yeah, that's right. It… Callista: Come, it is time I prepare a hero’s feast in your honor. Razor: I like you to meet my Callie or Ms. Briggs, I call her, Ms. Queen. Tabor: (to T-Bone) But what he’s trying to say is nobody’s gonna start hammerin’ on the Turbokat without our supervision. Razor: A supervision? Hmm. Affirmitive. A six-pack of milk will do us just fine. Tabor: No feast, my Queen? Callista: “Six-pack?” Bring goblets of milk and some stew. I will dine here with Sir Razor. Razor: Much obliged. Wow! I can't believe that I'm just handsome for a single time, All of these girls can make me so happy some year after another year, and she's the sweetest female member I ever seen, Maybe if me and my queen could rather dance, and using conversations... T-Bone: And a good feast? Yum! Razor: So, Callista, You think that oughta put the Pastmaster a terrrrrrrible trrrrreachery? Callista: Well, I suppose so. Razor: Then how about a sweet smitten way before you give me a good conversation, shall we? Callista: Love to. Prrrrr... and Callista both kissing lips at each other Razor: Prrrr... Mmmm..... Aaah! I have a job for you. T-Bone: Really, what is it? It would be surprise! Razor: Not any unless you could do this job, This is a kind of job! T-Bone: Why me? A blacksmith?! Hey! I wanna dine too! Razor: Not any of that chances to make it right now, Get to work, and you can think about what you're suppose to do. T-Bone: But, Ra- Razor: No buts for you, T-Boy, Either you can be the blacksmith, so you better like it or love it! Capisce?! (hits T-Bone) Now get to work! (grab T-Bone's back of a jacket) T-Bone: Oh, boy. Razor: And that's why I'm so handsome for a pretty good punching a white of his eye, Mmm! And then I give him a missile for an awesome use.... T-Bone: I'm hungry, Razor- Razor: Ugh, Quiet, T-Bone! Can't you see I'm trying to give her a good confidence?! Um.. Is there anything else I can get for you, Miss Callista, my sweet-rrrriveting but a charity smitten? Callista: So, my king, Did you left your formal outfit and a special perfume at your garage? Razor: Mmm hmm. Callista: And your red roses too? Razor: Yeah, mmm hmm. Callista: And you know that you cleaned yourself so well and you look great today. Razor: So I left my formal outfit, and a special perfume, and some beautiful rrrrroses, Will I can go back and get it myself? Callista: Absolutely. Razor: (voice over thinking) Consider that T-Bone is getting lots of money after he's working. Callista: So, Sir Razor, We think we are in love. I enjoy you that we are staying here. Razor: And these rarely royalty people haven't axactly been our biggest fans. Callista: And you and I will get a sweet successfully record. Razor: Mmmm..... Very well... I could like you, a toast. To the world's loveliest beauty in the whole Megalith City. Get to known together for a partnership. Razor and Callista in unison: Cheers. (Razor and Callista both toast some glass of milk, and drink) T-Bone: Boy, What a gruesome. Pastmaster: She will be my bride, and there’s nothing those SWAT Kats can do about it. T-Bone: Uh, what I wouldn’t give for a good welding torch. Razor: Maybe you should just use some of this stew. Whoa, this has some afterburn. Whoo, hoo! Callista: Pepper stew is a Megalith City speciality. Does it not please you? Razor: Oh, love it! (drinks a milk) Ooh, Good thing these goblets hold a mega glass of milk. T-Bone: Hope this Dark Age stuff holds. I wish I had some aero-space alloys. Razor: Yeah. We should go back to the hangar for some missiles, too. Callista: Hangar? Is that the name of your city, Sir Razor? Razor: Nah, that’s just where we “hang out,” heh. We’re from Megakat City, far in the future. Callista: My city has no future. The Pastmaster will destroy Megalith City if I do not marry him. Razor: Not while the SWAT Kats are around. Callista: Seeing you with the sword has given me hope. You've gone so far if he can't even resist to catch me. Razor: Hmmm, A rose will give a good help to make you feel so much better. That will give us a beautiful sacrifice. Callista: Hmm, I like that. But you can do a fight for him as much as you known. Razor: Yeah. Eventually, I'm in a lead and we're not worrying about the sweet and supreme sacrifice, to each of our own. But we would like to keep spending so much time for a month. Callista: Maybe someday. For the first time in a long time I feel I can rest easier. Goodnight, Sir Razor. Razor: Goodnight, my Queen. T-Bone: “Goodnight, my Queen!” Come here, buddy. I’ve got a hot forge I’d like you to meet. That would be honest of a good sorcerer spice, and boy do I need a day out snack? (T-Bone gobbled up a stew and a goblets of milk) Razor: Ugh, You might be easier to figure out what does my queen want, whatever she wanna be! T-Bone: (belches) Likewise, your alignment is the best, That stew and the goblets are good! Razor: Maybe it was so swell, it couldn't be there, you gave for a good welding torch! T-Bone: I'm not a slaver and I'm outta here! Pastmaster: You won’t be needing that amulet, Callista. I have something even better for you! A wedding ring! Callista: Nooooo! Razor and T-Bone: The Queen! Pastmaster: Tommorrow at sunrise you will become my bride! Callista: Never! Sir Razor! Razor: Code Red! Looks like my queen's in trouble now! I'll save you! Callista: Sir Razor! No! Act Three Razor: Looks like this is my chance to give her a good come back! T-Bone: I told you not to take this heros tuff too seriously, ‘Sir’ Razor. Razor: Tuff? Ha! We can’t let her marry the Pastmaster! Sunrise is only a couple of hours away. The Turbokat has got to be operational by then. (voice over thinking) She's kinda sweet and cute, and he's in a nasty sort of way as he thought it will be. T-Bone: Whatever happened to “Thanks for the backup?” or the sunrise? Razor: Oh, and thanks for the backup, buddy! T-Bone: You're welcome to that ridiculously Blackeye! Pastmaster: So, my Queen, are you ready to be my wife? Callista: Never! I will never marry an evil little gnome like you! Pastmaster: Alas, then watch your city be turned into rubble! Callista: Where is Sir Razor? Perhaps I have put too much faith in the legend. Pastmaster: Well, Queen Callista, have you changed your mind? Callista: It appears I must. To save my city. Pastmaster: I knew you’d come around. Razor: Well, here we are! T-Bone: The Turbokat is back! Razor: Commencing Operation Blackeye, now! Bingo! T-Bone: Those Dark Age weapons deliver an incredible punch! Razor: Yeah, sure closed his eye in a hurry! T-Bone: Boy, That day out snack really hits the spot! Callista: The SWAT Kats are vanquishing your monsters! The wedding is off, Pastmaster! Pastmaster: No! Razor: Bring me in close, T-Bone. T-Bone: Better move fast, before one-eye starts planting trees in the Turbokat! Razor: Eureka! I'm the Top Gun. T-Bone Yeah, we gave that one-eye the one-two. Bull's eye! Razor: Now to get the Queen back from the Pastmaster. T-Bone: Hope if we won’t have far to go. Endangering?! Razor: Crud! That little weasel knows we can’t attack him without endangering the Queen! T-Bone: That makes us sitting ducks! Hey! Pastmaster: Nothing can withstand my dragon’s breath! T-Bone: Two down, one to go! Razor: And I’m gonna save the Queen. Head into that cloud bank! T-Bone: Just don’t let that hero stuff go to your head! A cloud bank?! Pastmaster: No! Callista: My thanks, Sir Razor. Razor: Don’t thank me yet, that dragon’s still breathing down our necks! T-Bone: A dragon? Where? Pastmaster: Alas, now you both must perish! Razor: (gasps) T-Bone, you gotta put that nearly weapons, He's gonna fry you apart! T-Bone: I'm workin' on it! Pastmaster: (growls) I'll show you this time! Razor: Looks like you gotta be here. And you gotta make tuff minds too, as usual. T-Bone: Razor, I can’t near ya! He’s gonna fry you for sure! Razor: Switch to auxillary weapons panel, now! T-Bone: Roger, but–but you’re the hotshot, not me! Razor: You still not near me! Ha! Don’t wait all day, buddy. You’ve only got on chance! Take your best shot! T-Bone: Guess it’s now or never! Callista: Sir Razor! Razor: We’re right in the line of fire! Pastmaster: Nooooooo! Razor: My truly weapon was right in the line of a fire! Nothin' to it! Nice shootin’, sure-shot. T-Bone: Yeah. And your legendary sword packs quite a whallop! Phew. Razor: You know guys, We come so far as much as we did an awesome job. Callista: Yeah. I hope I’m enough of a wizard to send you back to your own time. Razor: Me too. Looks like somebody add the mondo peppers to the pepper stew, So you don't wanna spend the rest or my nine lives. I guess I'm cool. Callista: You’re the courageous and the strongest as well as brave, Sir Razor. That’s for saving me and Megalith City. But the legend was wrong. There were two heroes. Quickly, you must return to your flying machine. Razor: Imagine that! Me and Callista are in together. (flashback begins when Sir Razor and Callista are in a royal wedding. Commander Feral is wearing a tuxedo while Chance is wearing a bride outfit) Manx: Sir Razor, my man. Take the queen with you. Sir Razor: Yes sir. Manx: I now pronounce you, Sir Clawson and his wife. You may now kiss the bride. (Razor and Callista both kissing at each other) (Chance bats his eyelashes) Feral: (angry) Looks like we are not in love together! (Chance is kissing Feral) Feral: (not amused) Ew. I hate that happy ending! (flashback ends) Razor: It's so nice to meet you to get along with an ancient history, big fella. T-Bone: Yep, better start the engine. And... Chaaarge! Callista: Listen to the spellbook’s rhymes, send them back to modern times. Farewell, my heroes. Callie: SWAT Kats! Do you copy? This is an emergency! Razor: It’s Callie! I called her Ms. Queen! We’re here, Ms. Briggs. Callie: Well it’s about time! Where have you guys been? Razor: Uh, it’s a long story. You see– Callie: There’s no time! Another supertanker is being attacked off the coast! Razor: I wonder if we can catch that suction-mouth, the queen beckons, then we must obey! Ugh, T-Bone, What is that thing?! T-Bone: Monster of a week! Guess old suction-mouth must’ve had a brother. Razor: Isn’t this where we came in? T-Bone: Affirmitive. Hey, got any of that pepper stew left? Razor: Yeah. T-Bone: We’ll give him a case of Dark Age indigestion he’ll never forget! Say ‘Ahhh!’ Razor: We did it! Radical! (voice over as Callie reads letter) My Queen Callista... Thanks for the welcoming offer at a Megalith City, You and I are spending more time qualities, so please, do not worry, I'll be a good guy and you'll always be my good girl too, So keep your claws, hair and whiskers clean, beautiful. Your true love, but a Top-Gun, Sir Razor. Callie: Why? How thoughtful, how can I ever thank him? Razor: Aaww... Nothin' to it. Callie: I love you so much. Razor: Me too, Callie. me too. At last, we're in together now! (blow kiss) Callie: Thank you, Razor! (blow kiss) Razor: Isn't she beautiful that I saved her this time, T-Boy? T-Bone: If I didn't know better, I didn't say that I wish I wanna go back to bring that legendary sword with a whallop all the time! Razor: It looks like me and my Callie are in together forever now! T-Bone: Your the only one who's blocking the point view and - Razor: Heh, Just kiddin'! giggles T-Bone: Heh, very funny! Heh heh. Category:SWAT Kats episode transcripts Category:Season 1 Category:1993